I'm not sure what is with me lately. I cannot handle anything anymore. I am going to have a nervous breakdown any second. My computer was slow and i almost threw it. I have an intense urge to just leave, just go, do something else. Break up with Eric, never talk to anyone I know right now again. Start over. Start over. Start over. That is on repeat in my brain. I don't like anything. I need to go see a psychiatrist. I think that is what I need to do. Right now. And figure out what the fuck is wrong with my fucking stomach. I hate it. It makes my life not seem worth it. I cannot eat anything and yet i still eat too much. I'm still huge even though I work out. I always end up having to do more. Why can't i just get by? That's all I'm asking to do really.

My house doesn't feel like a home. It feels like a cage. I cannot create, I cannot study, I cannot live in this house. It's clean, but I know it will get ridiculously filthy by the middle of the week. I also know that the more I complain about it, the more I will be resented. I think it would be better for me if I had my own space and then could visit the house. It also is a factor I'm sure that my room is somewhere I never want to be. It doesn't feel cozy, it feels foreign. I can feel myself pulling into myself. I can tell that I am lashing out at people that I love. I don't know what to do but everything in me screams that I need to leave, move, go, get away. And I have to stay. Have to finish. Have to sit and wait and hope that it will change. I don't know if I can though. I don't know if I'm happy. or maybe I'm just spoiled.

Why do i still miss Rob. Maybe I just need to spend time with Eric and really let myself love him. This new Rob, I don't love him, I don't even particularly like him, but the old Rob, I think I miss him every day.I told him everything and I loved him with everything in me. First love destroys you. First love makes you always wonder. I wonder if he thinks about her the way I think about him. He's never coming back. He died a long time ago, and I continue to morn. I morn mostly for myself. I didn't appreciate myself then, I should have. I was hot. Now, I have seen better days. I'm trying to fix myself up make me feel pretty again.

Eric doesn't think I'm over Rob. I just don't want to be around his family for a week in Hawaii. I feel nervous and uncomfortable. And If I'm also pregnant that will be a fun, happy family outing now won't it.

I want to go home. I need to get away from here. I'm going insane. I need to be alone. I'm NEVER alone anymore.

I am terrified. I wake up early in a sweat from the dreams I have, the night terrors. I am completely in love. Worst part is, he loves me back. I don't know what to do when I don't have him here. I don't want to be dependent on anyone. It seems wrong for it to have happened so fast. When he was here, it was completely normal, i function better, i feel less ridiculous, better about myself, better about how other people see me. I want to do great things, I feel like I can. I want to live with him. I want to wake up and hear him say good morning baby. I want the future to include him and all of his quirks. I want these things, yet in the back of my mind...I want to fuck it up. I want to move. I want to breathe new air. I can't imagine moving away from him though. I cried when I dropped him off. Not the teenage, oh my gosh the world is ending kind of crying. It was the small tears that well up and never fall for the person that you really care about. Your throat closes and you feel your stomach turn in a new way. That's when you realize that this might be real. It might really be love. That's fucking terrifying. This is how it always starts, but I want to know how it will end. We will be together. We will get married. We will have kids, We will last two more weeks. He will cheat on me. I'll lose interest. You never know what will happen. Not being able to hold him kills me a little so that by the time I see him I am an emotional wreck. Its completely ridiculous to need someone. And i don't. But I do want him.

I am terrified. I wake up early in a sweat from the dreams I have, the night terrors. I am completely in love. Worst part is, he loves me back. I don't know what to do when I don't have him here. I don't want to be dependent on anyone. It seems wrong for it to have happened so fast. When he was here, it was completely normal, i function better, i feel less ridiculous, better about myself, better about how other people see me. I want to do great things, I feel like I can. I want to live with him. I want to wake up and hear him say good morning baby. I want the future to include him and all of his quirks. I want these things, yet in the back of my mind...I want to fuck it up. I want to move. I want to breathe new air. I can't imagine moving away from him though. I cried when I dropped him off. Not the teenage, oh my gosh the world is ending kind of crying. It was the small tears that well up and never fall for the person that you really care about. Your throat closes and you feel your stomach turn in a new way. That's when you realize that this might be real. It might really be love. That's fucking terrifying. This is how it always starts, but I want to know how it will end. We will be together. We will get married. We will have kids, We will last two more weeks. He will cheat on me. I'll lose interest. You never know what will happen. Not being able to hold him kills me a little so that by the time I see him I am an emotional wreck. Its completely ridiculous to need someone. And i don't. But I do want him.

That would make my life so much less hectic. I could do all of the things that I hate while happily dreaming away. Three essays and I'm not done with the first. I'm going to be up very, very late. I am already sleepy.

What I want to do:
Go abroad.
Leave our cell phones/computers/pagers/ties to the outside world
write about our journey in notebooks and lyrics
take pictures with a Polaroid camera
and sleep under the stars

Things I'll never tell you:
I haven't felt as happy in a while as I have in bed with you.
I wish I could see myself through your eyes.
I wish I didn't judge you and compare you to other people. Pick you apart and see how you measure up.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
I am afraid of loving you.

Connect to net gear
Diagnose the problem?
Close.

It's just an internet connection, but its also and easy way to describe how I am feeling about my own emotions. Diagnose the problem? Close. I can't do it. I can't look into it. I cannot confront it. I am feeling the familiar. The lack of excitement, the ease with which I come to tears. I tried to get a permit for Colin's car again. Still a no go. I will have put over $100 dollars into this car by the end of the month. Money I don't really have. I crave something that I can't find.
I resent my mother for things that she cannot control. I blame her for making me move to IL. That was by far, the worst thing that ever happened to me. Honestly, I'm still not over it. It's not something you just get over, move past. Like everything in my life something horrible will happen to me. Everyone will move on, but no one asks me if I'm ok. I feel bad about feeling hurt. They look at me like I'm supposed to be over it. I'm a silly little girl. Like they can't possibly be bothered with my shit. Well, maybe i wouldn't be this way if it weren't for you. Maybe if so many years ago you had taken me in your arms and told me how sorry you were that he did that to me. Told me I could talk to you about it if I needed to. Let me cry myself to sleep in your bed. But you didn't. And I still remember. I will always remember.

It is because of these things that I can't be with Eric. It is because I love him that I can't be with him. I loved Rob, he doesn't remember one detail about our relationship now. He didn't know my birthday and didn't call. He didn't ask me if I was ok. I'm learning to deal with it. Trying to get over it. I'm pushing away the best thing I've ever had because I don't think it can compete, but I won't let it try. I'm not very good about feeling pain then jumping back on the band wagon.
I also don't like the term reverse racism. Nothing makes me more upset than to think it cannot be considered racism unless its white-other race. That creates problems in and of itself. I love Jenny, but sometimes I think she doesn't like me. Or doesn't like the things that I do. I miss her. We don't hang out. We should. Joslin is trying to understand me and work at being my friend. I'm sensitive and can't be loud and uncompromising. She will always win.CarolAnn loves forest more than me and I feel the disdain in her when I tell her about my troubles. They never seem to be big enough. She always tells me to move on. I just want someone to listen. I'm feeling alone around people. I'm feeling like I take up too much space in the world.I hate my body. I hate being naked around other people. I look at the image of me and think of myself as a joke for other people. If I make them laugh good, better that than disgust them. I like to make them laugh. I'd rather though that it weren't at my expense.

It was impulsive. I could feel my stomach churn as the realization hit me. We aren't together. How can i deal with this? How could I break up with him in the first place? I am just so afraid. I'm afraid i won't be able to love him. What if we are together for a long time, and I still am not able to love him as much as I loved Rob? How can I live in a world where I can never have again the love that felt amazing and powerful and endless? Is it futile to try to reach that level again? I think that maybe I am thinking about this too much. Eric is just amazing though. I will say something like I don't think I can do this and he will say, "Don't worry about us, we can be friends and I will be fine, I'm worried about you and I want you to calm down and feel better." What kind of guy takes something like this so well. I can't even talk to him without crying because it makes me so sad. I just would hate to be so close, and be together, and then decide I can't love him the way I want to. I don't want to always compare everything to my relationship with Rob. Maybe that love was different and not good. Maybe it was stupid and young. Maybe I have to wait it out and try to calm myself down. Either way, he will be here in a week and I feel like I'll have more luck talking to him in person. Here is how I did it. Because I am a terrible person:
baupfhor@mac.com (6:48:51 PM): if i can find a job before august
baupfhor@mac.com (6:48:59 PM): I'll move before august
baupfhor@mac.com (6:49:27 PM): because i am happy to be with you
DGhergich (6:50:28 PM): Eric, don't do that
DGhergich (6:50:33 PM): I want you to go to that school
DGhergich (6:50:37 PM): it will be better for you
DGhergich (6:50:42 PM): and i would hate myself
baupfhor@mac.com (6:52:00 PM): i have my own fears about school
baupfhor@mac.com (6:52:20 PM): about the whole automotive field
baupfhor@mac.com (6:52:32 PM): but that's not my point
baupfhor@mac.com (6:53:09 PM): my point is, whether we try to keep going or not
baupfhor@mac.com (6:53:24 PM): i will still desire to be with you
baupfhor@mac.com (6:54:37 PM): the only difference is, I'd much rather be planning and doing things with you than not
DGhergich (6:57:33 PM): I just..think 'm broken
DGhergich (6:57:56 PM): I can't convince myself alone that a relationship is working
DGhergich (6:58:07 PM): I need you to be able to come over and reassure me in some way
DGhergich (6:58:15 PM): and i know that's selfish, but otherwise, i can't do it
baupfhor@mac.com (7:00:14 PM): well i guess i better come over and reassure you
DGhergich (7:00:30 PM): But...you can't
DGhergich (7:00:36 PM): i understand that you can't
DGhergich (7:00:41 PM): but its still that you can't
DGhergich (7:04:44 PM): I just need to see you
DGhergich (7:05:03 PM): Maybe we could be more informal?
baupfhor@mac.com (7:05:17 PM): informal?
DGhergich (7:06:26 PM): yeah
DGhergich (7:06:39 PM): like not make the relationship the big deal
DGhergich (7:06:45 PM): maybe we could just..like each other
DGhergich (7:06:53 PM): and visit each other
DGhergich (7:06:56 PM): and see if it works
DGhergich (7:07:01 PM): ugh, that sounds stupid doesn't it
baupfhor@mac.com (7:07:17 PM): i know what you mean though
baupfhor@mac.com (7:07:37 PM): less emphasis on relationship
DGhergich (7:08:26 PM): yeah
baupfhor@mac.com (7:08:36 PM): as long as i get to see my best friend
DGhergich (7:09:55 PM): yeah
DGhergich (7:10:14 PM): maybe its defining things that scares me
DGhergich (7:10:16 PM): I don't know
DGhergich (7:10:30 PM): i just automatically want distance as soon as anything bad happens
baupfhor@mac.com (7:11:33 PM): i can go for less definition
DGhergich (7:11:44 PM): I'm so sorry
DGhergich (7:12:16 PM): I'm a ridiculous person
DGhergich (7:12:36 PM): but i think that it will be better if we slow things down, im just feeling..really unhappy
baupfhor@mac.com (7:13:04 PM): well, we have nothing but time
baupfhor@mac.com (7:14:15 PM): if that's what we need to do
baupfhor@mac.com (7:14:23 PM): then I'm ok with that
baupfhor@mac.com (7:16:28 PM): i still want to go to Hawaii though
DGhergich (7:18:14 PM): i still want you to
baupfhor@mac.com (7:18:58 PM): =)
DGhergich (7:21:18 PM): I think alot of this is, i have midterms and I'm stressed and I'm doing things way too quickly
baupfhor@mac.com (7:21:53 PM): midterms suck
baupfhor@mac.com (7:24:58 PM): i know you'll do well though
DGhergich (7:25:07 PM): i don't know
DGhergich (7:25:11 PM): I'm really stressed out
DGhergich (7:25:15 PM): and sick and tired
DGhergich (7:25:19 PM): and just..depressed i think
baupfhor@mac.com (7:26:04 PM): you'll make it out alive
baupfhor@mac.com (7:26:36 PM): Don't forget to meditate in the garden
baupfhor@mac.com (7:27:29 PM): it's important to make time to center yourself and calm your thoughts
DGhergich (7:28:44 PM): You are just, awesome
DGhergich (7:28:54 PM): and i am just, dumb
DGhergich (7:29:19 PM): how can i ask you to just be my friend but still visit me and still come to Hawaii with me
baupfhor@mac.com (7:29:53 PM): because i would have done it anyways
Conclusion: I am horrible and he is perfect. And I should have waited. : (

Is an amazing individual. I want to be at her house. She just makes me feel better about everything.

So, I like sex. I do. But everything else scares me. Anyone paying too much attention to me makes me uncomfortable. I don't know how to fix this. There is this little buzzer that goes off in my head once i really start to enjoy it. I get so self conscious that I can't concentrate. I know he wants to please me, but I think I take to long, or I just...can't? I don't know. I don't know how to do everything. Doesn't help that the last sober sex I had was with Rob. Ugh. Sometimes i think it isn't worth this. This being still involved with this family over and over again. It is just terrible. I don't know. I love Eric. I love, love love him. But I don't know if I can tell him that, and I don't know if he will want to be with me once we are around each other. We've moved too fast because we were too into each other and too excited.
I may tell him no sex once he moves here, take steps back, go out on dates. Be NORMAL. But until then, i don't think I want to spend what little time we have with each other without being intimate, not sex necessarily, but something. idk.

But I have no other outlet right now. I am completely in love. It has only been two weeks. Well, in my opinion, that isn't fair, we've been friends for two years and two weeks.My boyfriend's name is Eric. He is amazing. I love being with him. He makes me feel like nothing is actually as bad as it seems. There are however, a lot of issues with our relationship.

Issue number One: I dated his cousin, who incidentally lived with his mom and sister for two years in high school.

Issue number Two: He is almost 7 year older than me.

Issue number Three: He currently lives in Arizona and he will until basically next year.

Issue number Four: His ex is crazy and might be involved in our lives.

And if those weren't bad enough, I'm so afraid I'm going to ruin it. I mean, I am afraid of love. I really don't want to sabotage this. How are you supposed to do this? The more you get attached the harder it is to be without them. I really, really love him and I think he loves me too, but I just get really upset when I think about how long I have to wait for him. I think he's worth it though. He feels the same so far. I just really hope that this will work out. I could see us being together for a really long time. Especially, if I live close enough for us to actually have a physical relationship.

If I'll ever see the countries I want to, and who I'll take with me when i go.

Alright. I have obviously been in a serious funk. To save myself from posting anymore horrible "feel sorry for me" blogs I kicked myself off of the computer totally. I'm back now. And feeling really much better.
Ah the Holidays.I just came to the realization that if my butt gets any bigger, i will have to be naked, because poor and bulging do not mix well. You may ask how i came to be so much bigger with such a little amount of money? Oh it is a skill let me tell you. It takes the right kind of person to buy the most terrible foods in bulk and eat this for brain food while studying. I am however getting my fat ass to the gym asap. You know its bad when you see your own shadow and think someone is following you.

I dont' think that I should have to be the one always working toward friendships that no one cares about but me. I am almost certain that 50% of my friendships would be over without my constant reassurance and my decision to call and make sure these people are ok. But you know what, no one ever calls me. Im there for them all the time. But they don't really return the favor. I don't know. maybe I'm crazy.

OK so, I haven't been on here in a while. I just wish i had some dependable guy friends. I need actual advice on what to do. My closest guy friend is related to the guy I am confused about..so there are issues. So i will pose the question to you fine people. I recently emailed my ex and asked him why he wouldnt ever give me a second chance? you know, i sometimes ask that after things are over and done, as a final break. but his answer.... he said "there is no reason why I wouldn't" what the hell? what does that mean? is that trying not to hurt my feelings?

It's hard for me to be honest, to lay everything on the line. To be free and under the microscope, examined like a bug, each part of my body, zoomed in on. poked and prodded. I say the words, and they fall from my lips, onto the floor, where they are drowned with choked tears, seeping slowly back into me, burying themselves under the surface for a little while longer. As I write this, I still see the light from last night. The lamp post across from my park bench. The light that flooded around me, but only touched my hands. I couldn't feel it, but I knew it was there, like so much else in life. I thought about it all last night as i sat there, smoking yet another cigarillo. Peach. My favorite. I like the taste because it burns your tongue with sugar and smoke and lingers there, just for a second, then you're back for another puff, hoping this time the feeling will stay. To be Continued...no time at present. finals. gah...

Ok. So i'm a man whore, because I don't agree with slut. I will start at the beginning. A few weeks ago i guess i wrote about a boy that I had a kinda crush on, well now its beyond a crush, well not feelings-wise, But jack Daniels is NOT a good friend. Good friends don't let friends go home with strange men. Anyway.. i don't know what the timeline is, but I'm pretty sure two guys within two weeks is not a good pace. In an odd way though, I'm kinda glad it happened. I finally had sex with someone who is not my ex boyfriend. Rebound? probably, but it doesn't matter. I can do it. I can "get back on the horse" No pun intended. The only thing about it though...is that this guy, he works with me, and things will either be super awkward or they won't. And even though I can't do anything about it right now, shit shit shit. I am always a mess with emotions that i don't understand.